A few weeks ago I needed some advice on a topic I had very little knowledge of. I felt reluctant to ask for it. My inner voice said, “Nah – I don’t want to bother him. He’s so busy.” But finally, I surrendered my worry and made a call. During my conversation I apologized for bothering him and that I didn’t want to be a PIA. But his advice was just what I needed to hear and I thanked him profusely.
The next day he called back with a few more ideas and suggestions and then said, “You know…don’t be afraid to ask for advice, because it actually feels good to be asked.” We went on to have a good deep discussion and both realized that yes, it really does. I know for me, it feels so good when someone reaches out for advice. I feel honored and acknowledged for my life experiences. Thank you Jim Gross, for your deep wise reflections.
And here is another thought my mom and I discussed: if someone doesn’t’ have advice to offer, is too busy or doesn’t want to engage in that way, they can just say so. Asking for someone’s advice doesn’t obligate them to give it and also doesn’t mean that the person who asked has done anything wrong. Just surrender and don’t be afraid to ask.
A simple reflection exercise might be for each us to think about the life experiences and knowledge we have to offer, and also ask ourselves what wish to know more of – but afraid to ask. You might just make someone’s day if you did. It is a compliment to be asked.
Sometimes it can be so simple. Not too long ago a young mom in the community was wrestling with the sadness of her child leaving for college. And while, of course, she was so excited for her, she was also worried about the hole it would leave behind and how she was going to manage it.
She reached out and we had a sweet sensitive talk about it. It felt so good for both of us. I’m so glad she asked me for advice. I was surprised by how much I had to share.
In talking with others this week, there is also the flip side of this beautiful exchange – and that is…giving unsolicited advice. As a parent, I catch myself often doing that. I am a work in progress. Let’s remember that unsolicited advice is not always received favorably.
I will close this week’s column with a beautiful poem written by Barry Michels, who was recently interviewed by Oprah. He is a well-known psychotherapist who’s been working with clients and writing best-selling books for decades. Sadly, Barry recently received a terminal diagnosis, prompting deeper reflections on life and love. I hope you enjoy this sweet poem filled with beautiful nuggets of advice as much as I have.
Being Loved – by Barry Michels
Empty yourself of knowing
Yearn without shame
Give without calculation
Dance when you can
Cry when you must
Every act of surrender is an opening through which God can enter
“Asking for advice is an act of humility.... The act alone says, "I need you." “The decision maker and the adviser are pushed into a closer relationship.” – Dennis Bakke
Love and gratitude,